On Waking Up, part 3
Have you ever had a “YOU are the man” experience? Initially you were mad at someone else for hurt they caused, and then you begin to see that very thing in yourself too?
In 2 Samuel in the Old Testament, the prophet Nathan tells David a story about a rich man who takes a poor man’s lamb to prepare a feast. David is incensed and declares that the man who did this deserves to die! Nathan informs him that HE is the rich man in the story. Interestingly, David doesn’t become enraged or blame Nathan for “tricking him.” Shockingly, he considers what Nathan said, knows that he told him the truth, and owns that he has done something horribly wrong. There’s a lot more to the story, but I’m making a point about the nature of a becoming-honest heart.
I had a moment like this when I was first living overseas. I had just been complaining about how common it was, and how wrong, that people in our host culture seemed to easily lie to “save face.” But later that day when asked a question about … (do I even remember what it was about?)… something simple like how I’d spent my time that day, a falsity slipped from my lips like butter when I feared it would make me look bad. When I realized it, I was mortified. Isn’t that EXACTLY the same thing? It was a proverbial “pot calling the kettle black” moment.
Continuing from the last post, there’s an anger inside we begin waking up to when we start naming the truth about all the brokenness around us. And there is a a lot! It’s important to be honest about this and name the ways that we’ve been hurt and the ways that we’ve been affected by harm in the world. (*I am not minimizing that there can be real and very dangerous harm in others that must be taken very seriously, although that is not what I’m addressing right now.) But let’s focus for a minute, not on the external cause but the internal experience of rage inside oneself. For most of us, it’s so much easier to focus on the faults of others, rather than to take a look inside. It’s easy to spot explosive anger in words, tone, or body language; severe harm to myself or someone else. Yet, we humans can be so skilled at burying this and its subtle forms make it easy to mask, even from ourselves. Here are more subtle forms:
Slamming cabinet doors, sighs, gaffaws, clearing of the throat, a critical look over the top of your glasses…
Sarcasm/cynicism/passive-aggression. I say “yes” with a smile while I slay you in my heart
Condescension: Inside, I truly do think I’m better than you (but I’d NEVER say that.)
Allying with others of our position by our declared hatred of outsiders.
Gossip:“bless your heart”isms, and “we need to put Peggy on the prayer list.”
An internal critic that is constantly judging self or others, but not outloud.
The internal demands of perfectionism that never allow rest
See if you can be a (kind!) detective in your own heart—I promise you, it’s there. It has taken a long time for me to begin to see my own internal contempt.
If I’m honest about my own contempt, and if I follow that trail, it will begin to lead me somewhere new. I begin to see that my lenses have been distorted and I’ve not seen myself that accurately. I will begin to see that I, too, have very specific forms of brokenness. [“But it’s not as ugly as yours!” Ha, ha! :) This person is not very humble yet.] A person begins to develop a broken heart when they can see the “log in their own eye.” It’s important to increasingly know, the specific ways that I’m invested in saving my own life at the expense of others. I thought I was a loving person?! Further, I begin to feel exhausted with the weight of these strategies that are utterly failing me. These ways are all that I know and I can’t seem to give them up! I really and truly need saving. From ME! My need is not theoretical, or merely confessional, it is experiential.
