On Therapy

This page is for the therapy-curious, therapy-considering, and therapy-skeptic.

Let’s say you’ve read the “On the Foundations” page, and you are a person for whom your Old Self is beginning to unravel. Let’s talk about how therapy can help. We’ll start with a little Q&A and move to types of therapy that I find helpful.

Question One: “Why would I go to therapy?”

First, I’ll start with myself. I have been going to therapy for the last 15 years and I have no intention of stopping. It has been life-changing for me. There’s just no way I can see the things I’m blind to on my own.

Secondly, you don’t have to go. There are other ways to grow and learn about yourself and get unstuck. Really good wise friends and authors and speakers and pastors and mentors and books and retreats and seminars.

Thirdly, you have to want help, or it won’t help you. We humans will keep doing what we are doing until it stops working. I’ve never had someone show up in my office and say, “You know, everything is working great in my life. I’d just like to dig around in the roots a bit and see what we can stir up.” You can’t rush the timing on a person’s sense of needing help. So if now is not the time for you, I won’t try to convince you otherwise.

BUT if you are in pain, or you’ve hit a roadblock you can’t shift, or other ways of growing aren’t doing it for you, maybe it would help. There’s something powerful about having the undivided attention of a wise and kind person who is trained to help you see things you can’t see alone. You could keep trying alone, but you just really don’t have to keep doing it that way.

Therapy is not a magic pill. The therapist cannot (and should not!) fix your problems. It won’t help if you aren’t ready to do your own work. But since we humans are such habitual creatures, it can be so helpful to set your intentions in the direction of growth by committing to consistent therapy visits, giving yourself the space, time, and regular rhythm of attending to the issues of your heart.

*A caveat— If you’ve had a bad therapy experience, consider trying again. As in any profession, therapists also can be naive, not well-trained, misunderstand you, or simply not a good fit for you. A therapist-client relationship is just that, a RELATIONSHIP, and sometimes when it’s not working, it needs an exit and a re-try.

Question Two: What good would it do to talk about the past?

“I/He/She just need(s) to get over it.”
“Oh, that? I’m really not affected by that anymore.”
“I forgave him a long time ago and I’m never looking back!”
“Shouldn’t we “lay aside what is behind and move toward what is ahead?”

These are all versions of a similar idea, and I’m just going to say it: They are“red flags” for me in the counseling room because of their possible short-sightedness, lack of nuance, and rigidity.

I would offer that true healing has to take an honest look at the wound, and it must be thoroughly cleaned for healthy tissue to develop around it. When fighting deep infection, the body pours tremendous energy into self-preservation and begins to show general signs of unwellness that may not be immediately obvious. If we are not paying attention, the symptoms usually grow more severe. In the same way emotionally, we can experience “secondary symptoms” that point to something under the surface we don’t yet know. Anxiety, depression, lacking motivation, needing to numb, surges of rage, addictions, fantasies, needing to be in control, unable to live within healthy limits, needing approval, hiding, needing power over others, and many others, can be symptoms pointing to a deeper origin.

Do you want to get to the root of the infection and experience true healing, or do you want to spend your life switching out band-aids? (Let’s be honest?!)

Question Three: I’ve never been to therapy. What’s it like?

What a brave thing, to come to therapy for the first time! I personally wish I had stuck with it longer, sooner in my life. (Yet, I didn’t think I needed it, so clearly I wasn’t ready!)

Practical things: Initial contact with a therapist would involve determining if your concerns and the therapist’s training are aligned. Many therapists, practices, and search engines offer profiles for you to read and consider. Do these person’s words ring true? Do they have experience with my areas of concern? Will we meet online or will I come in person? Would I prefer a man or woman? Does this person accept my insurance, or fit my financial needs? Does this person feel like a fit to me? Often an email exchange and/or phone call can address all of your initial questions. (Do ask your questions!) Then you will fill out initial paperwork.

Let’s say you proceed and schedule a first session…

In the first session(s,) the therapist will hear your initial concerns and want to get to know you. They will go over policies as well as answer logistical questions about payments, cancellations, scheduling, frequency, and privacy. They will ask questions about your specific goals for coming to therapy, as well as seek a big picture overview of your present life. (In general, how are you physically, vocationally, relationally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually?) Some will gather a detailed family history. Occasionally, if after hearing your concerns, the therapist feels they are not qualified to help you, they will communicate this and offer a referral to someone else who is.

People often tell me that the first session feels to them like they are spilling out something messy. This is not unusual. Since you’ve lived decades of life, there’s a lot to share, right? I think of the initial sessions like spilling a puzzle out on the table and spreading out the pieces. You can’t quite see what the puzzle will look like yet and the pieces are not sorted. Also, by the time someone shows up in a therapist’s office, they have usually been sitting in something hard for a while. Sometimes a LONG while. So, it can feel like dumping the puzzle out all at once. Or for others, you may not feel ready to hand over the all the pieces of your puzzle, or some of the pieces may feel missing even to you. All of this is normal.

As clients begin therapy, I hope they feel they are building a relationship with someone seeking to be kind, wise, and truth-telling. Not a perfect person. Definitely a fellow human with my own flaws. But someone who will seek to know them, be “for” them in the deepest ways, and be honest with them toward their healing. Therapy is not about giving you advise or telling you what to do. It’s about walking alongside your waking up and growing process.

In the middle, (and sometimes from the beginning!) therapy often feels hard. Wounds are exposed, painful stories emerge, anger pours out, embarrassing insecurities arise. Cleaning out the wound, admitting your part, resetting old habits take time and repetition and humility! It might even feel like you are moving backwards and you are not “getting better.” It might feel like a part of you is dying. Guess what?! It is!! Your Old Self! But there can be no resurrection without death. I join you in how ridiculously painful this can feel!

Types of Therapy I like to use with clients:

Each person who comes to therapy is a unique in their personality, needs, and goals. This is part of why I enjoy the work—it is such a creative process! As I get to know them, I’m looking for which approaches may best make sense of their challenges and help them move toward healing. I find certain lenses helpful ways to see.

In my first version of this website, I proceeded with a section each on several different types of therapy I utilize. Maybe I’ll put it back, but I don’t want to get anyone lost in the weeds, and I just don’t think that any particular tool is the main point. So let me be much more brief, and not at all complete:

I use tools that help me understand a person’s biology and emotions: Polyvagal theory and tools, Somatic tools, Interpersonal Neurobiology, and Psycho-education.

I use tools that help me understand a person’s patterns of relationships, and what relational change looks like, often derived from their family of origin: Attachment Theory, Family Systems Theory, Internal Family Systems, and the Enneagram

I use tools that help me address resolving the overwhelm of traumatic incidents: Internal Family Systems, Somatic tools, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).

Again, all of these are just tools. They help name Old stuff, make sense of what is going on inside and in our relationships, and give a vision toward healing. None of them are magic wants or guarantee healing. Feel free to ask questions if you have them!

Final words on therapy…

Now I’m going to say something kinda woo-woo, are you ready?

My best resource is not a technique. It’s about learning to offer a present, being-freed-Me, to be with another person. A me that is listening to the Spirit of Love while I sit with another person and learning to give that away. It’s about learning to shine the Light in dark places and not be afraid when it snarls back at me. The tools are helpful for seeing stuff, but it’s the Love that holds the POWER to destroy the darkness and heal a broken heart. Does it give you chills? Kinda makes me want to wail, and sing.