On the Foundations …of the Big Story
Question One: Where did I come from?
Before we tackle human problems, it makes sense to me there are some foundational building blocks to lay down first. We have to name the true things that are most true, that undergird the Big Story. This may read as a statement of faith, if you are familiar, but I’m looking for something different. I offer this as an incomplete, provocative, narrative statement with which neither you nor I will be entirely pleased.
There is an Author[1] whose most defining quality is Love[2]. Among many other things, also beautifully good, honest-to-goodness-true, and can be trusted with every dear and precious thing. Which is to also say, the Author is never not-good, never not-true, and never untrustworthy.
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This Author began writing a grand and stunning Story before the dawn of time[3], involving the entire not-yet, soon-to-be characters. His big picture idea is this— Just like the Author, it is the design that they would also love and be loved. As the Author, anything could be written, and this is what He chose: He put the stamp of Love—a stamp of His very own self within them, and also they could make their own free choices, and this is a grand mystery.
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Just about as soon as the first characters landed in the story, they did exactly what He knew they would do, which was the way He’d written the story. To cut it short, they set off a giant, cascading, disaster of a mess[4]. It appeared very grim indeed. But I’m telling you, let me say it again, this was EXACTLY what was already written into the story. As the broken things began unfolding, the Author was not flummoxed. He had not forgotten the foundations of the Big Story, and He knew what He was planning to do, even as the stories seemed to go terribly wrong.
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OK. Now take with me a massive, giant, leap of years and generations and centuries, to the time it is right now as you are reading here today.
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Right now, we human characters are living our lives smack-dab in the middle of the messy story[5]. It’s not the beginning, and it’s not yet the end. These stories lived by the characters—us!— in the messy middle are wild and beautiful, heart-wrenchingly tragic, unbelievably rich and massively complex. Living mid-story, can we name who we are? Where we are? Why we are here? Where we are going? What will become of us? How will the Story end? There is much we are seeking and much we do not know. Ack!
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Here’s the most stunning part I’ve written so far— Despite all this, the Author, outside our limited human vantage-point, because of His great love, arranged to do what it would take, at great cost to Himself, before it all began, to bring the Big Story to a glorious finale, from which all other stories find their pattern. In a promise to the entire creation and despite great peril, He swore to make ALL the not-right things[6], right in the end. ALL… each and every one of all the things!
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I have left out a few details.
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It seems to me that somewhere in the depths of our soul, we know this is how the story ends. We know it in what we most hope for. We know it in our outrage when the darkness seems to win. We know this when we are paying attention to what stirs our hearts to wonder and delight. We know this as we notice the culmination of every epic fairytale ever told, and when we are most awake, how it brings us to tears because we long for it so deeply.
How would it not be a spectacular, glorious surprise ending for the Big Story too? All good stories are.
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[1] Author. This image goes with my story theme of course. But not like a disinterested owner of an object. More like Geppetto with Pinocchio. (And also very UNLIKE Geppetto who created Pinocchio because he was lonely.) The Author loves His characters, wants good for them, and breathed His very own life into them. I really do believe the universe has an loving, intelligent will that preceded it! How would we even long for something better and more lovely, if is this wasn’t true?
[2] Love is such a nuanced word, wildly misunderstood! It can be nurturing and snuggly and joyful and feel like home. It can also be deeply agonizing, trouble-making, pain-inducing, sorrow-growing, and a whole lot of other things we’d frankly like to avoid. It is always moving toward the good of the other, although admittedly it takes a very different kind of seeing to say this, and the Author seems all too willing to be, (at least temporarily) misunderstood by us humans on this score. The Author’s kind of love is without condition, never-giving-up; always-doing-what-it-takes; ever-persevering; and knows no end.
[3] Before the dawn of time. I borrow this phrase from the mouth of Aslan at the end of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Aslan speaks of a deeper magic before time began that evil doesn’t know about. I have much more I want to write about this phrase!
[4] Mess. I include the whole lot of us in this mess… how much heartache! It isn’t just about behavioral choices made; it is moreso that our hearts are driven by things that are not-love and we cannot not fix this on own own. The ones that are the most blind are the ones who believe they can see.
[5] The entire content of every post here fits squarely in the middle of the Story. I would offer that every poem, every story, every longing, every discerned learning, can situate itself securely in the Big Story—The before-the-beginning, the now-middle-wandering, and the culminating ending that holds all the smaller stories.
[6] All not-right things— all dark things, all unfinished things, all things bleak and terrifying, disturbed, distorted, all things blatantly evil and subtly so, all the broken things! Can it be, this unbelievably tall order?! He clearly said it, and He Himself is on the hook for it.
What is the New Self?
The New Self is a ME that is becoming who the Author made me to be. It’s not a status I arrive at; it’s a me-emerging. The stamp of His divine goodness is starting to crack open. The more I wake up to my New Self, the more I lean into the awakening. It could look like:
I’m doing my work to name the impact of my story—how I’ve been hurt, and, out of that, hurt others and myself.
I have compassion for myself and others.
I can be self-reflective and seek wise discernment.
I am coming to know and accept my human limitations.
I admit my mistakes and can ask for forgiveness.
I can begin to see behind the pretense of the darkness.
Things that are dark feel dark; and things that are light feel light.
I can use my voice to speak the truth and I can discern when is the time to do so.
I’m able to give my gifts away for the good of others.
In short, I’m learning to love, even my enemy, (*which honestly includes naming a whole lot of not-love inside of me.)
Despite behaviors, the deepest change is happening within the person’s MOTIVE. What I do may change, but WHY I do what I do experiences a seismic shift over time—As I’m transformed by receiving unconditional love, I’m more and more freed to give it.
And HOW does this happen exactly, this transformation between the Old and New? As one very much in the middle of the process, this is the subject of many more posts. Yet, this goal takes us back to the beginning. The big picture plan is that humans would become creatures like the Author, who Love one another. With all the pain in the middle of the story, I hold onto this—
It all started with Love. It is shot thru with Love. And in a massive crescendo, it ends with Love.
On the Foundations …of the Human Characters
Question Two: Who am I?
The Old Self and the New Self (Who am I, and where am I going?)
These twin concepts of Old and New self (or False and True self) provide a key framework, (perhaps THE key framework!) for my understanding of people, problems, and change, born from the design of the Author’s story.
What is the Old Self?
We begin our lived story, each human, with the very-good-and-beautiful stamp of the Author inside, yet it is unknown to us and undiscovered. (Even if your parents did a very very good job.) From the time we are very young, we respond to what’s going on around and within us, and begin to develop ways to navigate it all. We don’t know we are doing this. We don’t say, “Hmmm, look at me, forming a way to get by in my life, because of what is happening to me.” Nonetheless, we all do this. It’s so normal to us! So deeply rooted! By the time we’re in our 20’s, we are usually really well-versed in living that particular way, and we think, “This is who I am.”
I would offer, no, this is not who you are. It is, at that point, more of a role you have learned to play; strategies that you have learned; lenses you’ve developed through which see yourself and the world around you. The unconscious motive that is driving you has to do with making your life work. This is your OLD SELF, particularly unique to you, and there is no other way your story could have begun. (Remember above when I said the Author was not flummoxed? Here again, humans who have Old Selves they need to be saved from is all a part of His plan.)
The shape of our OLD SELF looks lots of different ways, and we each have MANY of these tools. Here are a few examples:
Are you a type of person who wants to please others, make them happy, receive their praise, and when that works it makes you feel good to do so? These learn to manage life by moving toward others in appeasement.
Are you a type of person who wants to retreat into yourself, and doesn’t have much interest in the other human characters, and you’d prefer it that way? These learn to manage life by moving away from others in isolation.
Are you a type of person who wants to be in charge, lead, and control things, hold power or position, and it makes you feel good to do so? These learn to manage life by moving toward others aggressively.
You with me so far? These become our life-navigating strategies, and we all have some version of this.
At some point, these strategies begin breaking down and illusions start to show cracks. What causes this to happen? Hands down, the biggest contributor to our waking up is some sort of suffering. (Let’s pause for a moment of silence in guteral angst!)
Despite how we arrive at this awakening, we begin to realize, “I don’t seem to be OK.” It may be subtle or dramatic; slow and progressive or like falling off a cliff. Or it may sound like one of these:
—”Ahhhhh! What the &&**$#!! is happening to me?
—“My efforts to shove down all this pain aren’t working. I’ll work harder to get rid of it!”
—“I don’t seem to be OK if others are upset with me! I can never seem to do enough to feel good about myself.”
— “These stupid people won’t listen to me! If they would just admit that I’m right, and get in line, this whole thing would fall into place… Why does this keep happening to me?
…or a thousand other ways. My Old Self has been so very well-meaning. So very devoted to my protection. But, the gig is up. I begin to realize, I can’t make it work anymore.
**Here’s a hopeful thought!** Ironically, the bigger the crash, the harder the suffering, the quicker I might be to wake up to the failure of my Old Self to provide me the Life I’m looking for. I need help. I need saving. From what?? From ME! From my Old Self. From my way of seeking to make my life work on my own.
On the Foundations… of Growth
Question Three: Where am I going?
The Four Hearts
We’ve looked at some foundational elements— 1. Where did I come from? 2. Who am I? This part takes up the question, 3. Where am I going? I first heard the material of the Four Hearts while living overseas, now taught and unpacked over years of time by my long-time therapist and mentor. I’ve continued to spend time with these concepts and have found this such a helpful way to understand growth and maturity in learning to love. Again, all a part of the Author’s plan!
How do I grow with a heart that is learning more and more to love?
The stages of the four hearts are a way of picturing the growth trajectory. The stages are not necessarily linear or static. We may have some parts of our heart that are awakening, and other parts, we have no idea we’ve buried. We may walk thru a hard journey that invites a lot of internal growth, but then find ourselves returning to old strategies when we feel threatened again. Picture a looping squiggly line that travels thru and circles back over and over. However circuitous, the Four Hearts name a general trajectory of someone learning to love.
1. The Undisturbed Heart (aka Unaware. Clueless. Sleeping.)
Many of us have undisturbed hearts. Having found a way to live in the environment we were given, for a time, it “works.” No one has to tell us to form these strategies, but we have learned to navigate life with many possible tools—seeking other’s approval, or staying to ourselves, or being impressive, or funny, or powerful, or responsible, etc. These tools help us survive, meet our needs, or find a way to belong. As long as these tools continue “doing their job” of keeping our lives running, we remain undisturbed.
The person in this stage is characterized by blindness, but thinks they see. Life seems to be going ok for them and they feel comfortable in the ways they’ve developed to make life work. They do not know they are playing out a role that they have learned. The wounds of their story are thus far untouched. They feel, “My life is generally pretty good!” as they continue to hand out a color brochure. They would say, “Of course, I’ve always loved my mom, my dad!” but do not understand the true nature of unconditional love or how deeply they have been shaped by family patterns.
2. The Recalcitrant Heart (aka Angry. Disturbed. Snarling.)
This stage symbolizes an entrance into confusion and chaos. This can be brought about acutely or slowly, but often by some kind of suffering that awakens the person to what is broken about the world around them. Their simple explanations for life begin to feel like illusions and they start letting of childish ways of managing suffering. The person feels a lot of active energy as they are waking up. They know too much to go back to sleep, but what they are awake to is just as unpleasant. Contempt (blame, judgment) begins to pour out— toward themselves, others, or both. This can look like an intense allying with others against the harm they have felt, or more like a (sometimes subtle!) rageful determination to be different.
When the angry heart is active, you will experience the person’s functional relationship style on the surface, but if you seek to peek behind the curtain, they have defensive strategies that hide the deeper layers of the heart. These could be obvious—like angry blaming, or more subtle— like passive aggressive gossip behind a smile, or silent sulking. They begin to be aware of the capacity toward a deeper good but also a deeper rage inside of them and they feel a great dissonance toward their world.
3. The Broken Heart. (aka Tender. Sorrowing. Wounded.)
If the snarling heart continues to lean into the suffering around them, a shift begins to happen. They begin to grow weary of so much anger. All of their internal rage makes sense! They have indeed been harmed! But they also begin to see that out of that harm, they also harm themselves and others. The broken heart begins a movement into sorrow as the person begins to turn the mirror toward themselves. They begin to see they have been more falsely attached to others than they have loved. They can name their own blindness that was hidden behind their rage.
This person begins to long for deeper things that show the work of the Author in their heart— rest over self-protection; being loved more than being right. As they enter these deeper places of sorrow in their heart, they no longer need to flee their losses, and the contempt begins to soften. They want to be freed from their internal burdens more than they need another to admit wrong. Yet at the same time, they are seeing all the more accurately what is wrong (inside of them and others!) This person begins to have a greater sense of presence to offer others, as their previous relationship agendas no longer hold sway. They can be self-reflective, honest, and take responsibility for their lack of love, even if others around them cannot.
4. The Brave Heart (aka Bold. Joyful. Courageous.)
Could it be that one day we’d have one of these? I speak of this stage more as a place I visit sometimes and where I’m hopefully headed, not a place to which I’ve arrived. I know of few people in this life who embody this for me and they are a rare treasure.
The brave heart feels a shift from mourning to joy. The sorrow is not absent, but the joy becomes a deeper well that holds both. Knowing themselves deeply loved, they are freed to love others deeply. The person has a much more solid, separate sense of self, deeply knowing that All is Well. Because they are grounded deeply on the inside, they can give freely on the outside. They can see themselves and others with a clear lens. They can be at rest and feel released in the presence of others who have nothing to give them and feel the freedom to say with open hands, “I want the very best for you, but you don’t have to love me.” They know what battles are theirs to fight and they can lay down the ones that are not. When it is time, they can bravely and self-sacrificially enter the darkness unafraid. In smaller and bigger ways, they can boldly say, “No one takes my life. I lay it down willingly, hoping you also will come to know this Love that I know!”
Wow. Just wow.