On Waking Up, part 2
Let’s talk about what happens when you start to wake up.
Let me ask you, how is it when you wake up? Is it usually a blissful experience? Your first consciousness is overcome with the joy of being alive that rises like the morning sun? You intentionally throw off the covers, gratefully stepping forward into the delight of your day? (If this is you, please let the rest of us know, what is your secret??!)
Or is it more like— Groggy. Sometimes grumpy, even. Not altogether with it. Wishing for more minutes in the warm and cosy of your bed. Wanting to destroy your alarm. Or maybe something in-between these two pictures?
I think waking up into reality is like this too. What you awaken to, at first, is not altogether pleasant. The more you name the false ways you’ve tried to cope, the more they seem to grip you. The insight doesn’t bring quick freedom. LOTS of things don’t seem right in the world. You’re angry about some stuff. Actually, you’re not just a little bit angry. You are livid. A lot of crummy things have gone down. And those people have never apologized to you. And maybe they are still doing it. Furthermore, I didn’t ask to be born into this crazy family, or have this kind of thing happen, or grow up in this messed up church/organization/community! This really isn’t fair! Why did you allow all this to happen, God??
For me, moving overseas helped me start waking up to my anger. And yet, I was such self-perceived “good girl” I kept trying really hard to squish it back down! Thankfully, that didn’t work so well. Yet even still, it took a long time (still learning) to see it as something I wanted to come to the surface and needed help with.
If you’re following along with the “4 hearts” in the On the Foundations page, we’re squarely in the Snarling Heart category now. In the counseling room, this shows up when the person starts to name the ways they have been hurt by others. And the list is long. Inside, it may feel like, “I used to think myself noble and strong to tolerate it all, but now it’s pissing me off!” A lot of rage begins to pour out.
This may seem counter-intuitive, but it’s best to lean into the anger and be honest about it. Of course, I’m not advocating for destructiveness. But rather, the wounds inside can’t be healed if they are not first acknowledged. The ways you have been hurt DO need to be named and felt!
There is a LOT wrong with the world, and that’s happened to you personally, and it’s OK to be upset about it. But this “snarling heart” stage can also become a ditch where people get stuck. Here are some signs:
The anger becomes more and more rigid and self-righteous.
The person becomes more fixated on naming all that is wrong externally, without insight about what is happening inside of them.
Rather than a growing humility or love, their awareness of external wrong bolsters the person’s rageful cut offs and judgments of others “not like them.”
The person sets off ragefully determined to “right” the wrongs they have seen. There’s nothing wrong with seeking to “do better than what was done to us.” Yet, this snarling-heart energy will not carry us toward love.
Don’t take me out of context here—Obviously there are times to distance ourselves from the harmful behaviors of others. Discerning this takes a lot of wisdom, so it’s really helpful to have some help to sort thru all the mess that comes up here.
Stay tuned for part 3!
